Wounded

Have you ever been at the point in life where you simply can’t feel yourself anymore? The over-exuding joy that you once experienced is simply missing from your life? The joy that once filled you is simply replaced by dread and a hollowness that you can’t explain or make someone understand- but you know it. You know it all too well. And unfortunately- you know it better than the joy. The depression has hit again and you don’t feel yourself anymore. You’re empty. You wait for the next wave of feeling- even if short lived. And you ride the wave out- basking in the glory of that feeling.

I know this all too well. I am currently living it. When you fight anxiety so long, eventually you break and it results in something deeper- something that makes you feel a little hollow. The smiles on your face are painted, so too the masquerade you are living. The depression is over- consuming and you wonder- how did I get here? Why me? I never thought I would be here. I’m the one who- everyone assumes- has it together all the time. But they don’t see the tears shed; they don’t see the heart broken. They can’t see the insomnia, the sleep lost. They just don’t know. They don’t know that when you break, you break hard. The pieces unable to be put together. The pieces scattered and shattered, a million times over.

Where did I go? What happened to the confidence that at once was so strong, so unbreakable. The faith that could not be swayed. Where did it go? When did it fade? Did it one day become too much? How did I get here? How can this raw and dark pain become beautiful? In this moment, you wonder, could it be possible that there is more here than simply the emptiness I am currently experiencing?

Hebrews 10:35 say, “So don’t lose your bold, courageous faith, for you are destined for a great reward.” In the past, I could confidently say that I embodied this verse. I was bold, confident, and courageous, unshaken even. But now, I don’t feel bold, confident, or even courageous. I have simply lost myself. And in losing myself, I lost the best parts about me. The parts that God stamped on me as unique and wants to use for his kingdom work. My enthusiasm, my never waning joy, the confident and courageous way I express my faith. All of these elements that make me unique, are currently missing. This is the enemy’s plan; he wants to use depression to take away the best things about me. To make me lose myself- so my unique God given gifts spiritual and otherwise- will no longer be a threat to his schemes.

He wants to break me down- so I won’t have the energy to fight. But it is in these moments that my praise should be the loudest. It is in the valleys when I can’t stop fighting and must lean on God with every fiber of my being. I may feel surrounded by the enemy but I have it backwards.

My favorite song says,

“There is a table that you prepared for me- in the presence of my enemies…

In the valley, I know that you’re with me and surely your goodness and your mercy follow me. My weapons are praise and thanksgiving. This is how I fight my battles.

I believe you’ve overcome and I will lift my song of praise for what you’ve done. This is how I fight my battles. This is how.

It may look like I’m surrounded but I’m surrounded by you…”

I may currently be wounded. But I can’t stop fighting. I can’t concede the fight. There is too much at stake. Even though it looks like the enemy has me surrounded on all sides- if I could only see that it is actually Jesus that is surrounding me and the victory has already been won.

What if the darkness surrounding me is simply the shadow of God’s wings watching over, comforting me, and picking me up to continue fighting.

I may be wounded but- I am going to pick up my sword and keep fighting. He will make restore my joy. He will bind up my wounds. He will help me face each new day.

Isaiah 61:1-3:

“The Spirit of the sovereign Lord is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives, and release from darkness, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn. And provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair."

Beauty for ashes. Joy for mourning. Praise for despair.

I may be wounded but I will not be overcome by darkness.